Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
You Might Also Like
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.