her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Them: You should try keto
Me:
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken