Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Breaking news:
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”