HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*