HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?