HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don鈥檛 have a good mash up name you鈥檙e not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don鈥檛 think so
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we鈥檙e just on one of God鈥檚 refrigerator magnets.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid 拢1m per year from now on.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
HER: I鈥檓 pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American鈥檛 and I鈥檓 officially applying to move to Mars now
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it鈥檚 just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son鈥檚 train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
What?!?