HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
You Might Also Like
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.