Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Cartman: Respect my
a a
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.