Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now