Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours


[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”


My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.


Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.


director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.


My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?


When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.


Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*


Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators