@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

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@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

@thrill_tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

@OrdinaryAlso

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

@Darlainky

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

@DammitLarry1

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

@ddsmidt

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

@vonTraphaus

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators