Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Home is where your toilet is.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that