@MumInBits

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

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@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

@BunAndLeggings

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@cathisamazing

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

@StupiDucker

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

@SavageDabs69

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time