Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.


I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”


If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.


Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks


When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.


Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us


I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.


Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time