Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.