her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Okey dokey.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.