Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
You Might Also Like
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it