@ArfMeasures Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
@ArfMeasures HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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@ArfMeasures 
@sophieisnobody single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
@causticbob A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
@delome10 Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
@Rollinintheseat Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
@robdelaney The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
@Havish_AF Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
@gender_endtimes did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
@BlindChow Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
@jonnysun *packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the