Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*exercises sarcastically*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.