Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower