Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Cats (2019)
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
“what that mouth do?” complain
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“and how does that make you feel?”