@squirrel74wkgn Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
@UnFitz Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@Thynebear “I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
@ariscott Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
@plumbur If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
@SaraESpivey I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
@thepunningman [superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
@SoFarFetchd “You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
@Hadzilla If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
@KalvinMacleod DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
@iamburtjarvis [2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT