her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Am I having a stroke?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
adam and eve had first world problems
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I triple waxed for this?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!