Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.