Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
United Steaks of America
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.