Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster