Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
You Might Also Like
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
car not found
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.