her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
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CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.