her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.