Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You Might Also Like
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Well, this certainly took a turn
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.