Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
You Might Also Like
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Sorry I made promises on Friday
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.