Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.