HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.