Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Sell your car
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
A Short Story.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.