@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

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@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

@VancityReynolds

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

@Book_Krazy

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@jonnysun

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”