
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”