Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”