Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
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Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
got so much cardio in today
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.