Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued