@YourMomsucksTho good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
@Gupton68 Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
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@YourMomsucksTho 
@DomBorrett Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
@Social_Mime I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
@jjhartinger If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
@noog Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
@noaccountlurker Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
@daemonic3 U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
@NotThatKunal Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
@smiles_and_nods Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
@TweetPotato314 Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?