@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

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@YourMomsucksTho

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

@Social_Mime

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

@jjhartinger

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@noog

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

@noaccountlurker

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

@daemonic3

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

@NotThatKunal

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

@smiles_and_nods

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

@TweetPotato314

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?