Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.


Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong


Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco


I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.


If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.


Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.


Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.


U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad


Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.



Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?


Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?