@GashleyMadison I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
@Gupton68 Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
You Might Also Like
@GashleyMadison 
@nicfit75 *mops up wine with cat*
@ojedge Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
@ndiquote If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
@JediGigi Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
@kenradio No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
@WiseguyPictures “I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
@DanMentos “I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
@mrjohndarby Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
@awescar There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.