Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
tinder is all about the long game
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Some people were born into their job.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit