Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I don’t hate children, just yours.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays