Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
i could never be president. im overqualified.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
😂💯
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.