Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Ugh
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My dad.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Girl, same.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.