Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.