Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
You might just have to resign…
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.