Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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Ha
Great game to play with friends
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!