‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
This is why I hate group projects
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I put the h in mysterious.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.