Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“i am a sweet baby”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
When ur friends with white people
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.