“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.