“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
🙅🏻
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.