Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
what does he know…
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.