“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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-“Please don’t”
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-“I’m leaving you”
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
scrabbled eggs
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.