Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.