Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing


“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway


“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant


I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.


You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.


Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.


What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?