@hollywood_95_69

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

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@Bob_Janke

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

@MatCro

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@justatornado

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

@TheAlexNevil

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

@Tmoney68

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

@Grrdno

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

@brettminor

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?