@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

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@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

@JB4Realz

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

@Contwixt

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

@ArcTypeAngel

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

@david8hughes

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

@OlanDevine

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

@ElizaJaneAgain

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

@KenJennings

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”