“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.