“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
gm
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”