“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.